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Fr, 22. Apr 2005, 17:37
Why do I lose?

I spent the afternoon with Brian. Well, no. Not with Brian, completely. At Wheelock, working, where Brian was also working, though on the other side of the stage. *sigh* That boy...I don't know what I think and feel when it comes to him. I give the impression that I'm obsessed with him, that I'd sleep with him, given the chance. But really, I don't think I would. Certainly, I'd like to know what it's like to kiss him, and be allowed to touch his body. But, as with Ken until recently, it feels as though any and all touch we shared would be pure lust, all passionate and violent and not at all tender or soft.

After the show, we chatted. He claims that my opinion of him is based on assumptions, which of course I asked him to correct.

My first assumption: He's in a monogamous relationship. His reply? Yes, he's in a relationship, and it's monogamous, but he would do things outside of the relationship, provided that the following three conditions are met: Opportunity (meaning a willing partner that he's attracted to), time (meaning he's not supposed to be somewhere or with someone and wouldn't be missed), and protection (meaning nobody would ever find out except the involved parties). I can guarantee protection - I know how to keep my mouth shut. It's insulting to think that someone wouldn't trust me not to say anything once I'd given my word.

My second assumption: He wouldn't do anything with me, given the chance. His reply? Wrong. hmm. okay, so i knew that already - or suspected, at least - but what does that mean, in practice? in theory, it means i could kiss him and he would enjoy it. but...i feel inferior next to him. it bugs the hell out of me, but i need to learn how to overcome that.

He wants to know what I want from him. What he wants from me is, apparently, the amusement he gets daily from me. So, me being me, I don't know what I want from him. That's the honest truth. I know I want to see how far he'd go, given the chance, and I want to know how much I have to be the aggressor, but beyond that, I don't know. I told him I didn't really want anything, that I'd probably just take whatever he offered. So of course now he wants to know what I'd take. I've refused to answer so far, by avoiding the question. i'm getting remarkably good at that, at answering other questions, or steering the topic to something else...not sure whether this is good or bad. hmm.

We spent a while talking in the dark under the frost-giant set piece stairs after photo call. Our verbal sparring got to the point where I mentioned that it felt like we were playing a game. He commented that that's because it is a game. There are no rules, but it's obvious who wins and who loses. I seem to always lose, and that's because I don't know how to play. but nobody ever is willing to show me how to play! "tell me and i will hear, show me and i will see, involve me and i will understand" inexperience, though, is only part of an excuse, and must be overcome by gaining experience.

The thing that annoys me, though, is my own reactions. I had him alone, in a dark corner, with nobody around and him presumably willing, and I could've kissed him. I could've seen what his reaction would be. I could've taken the chance, overcome my fears - but I didn't. It's all about fear. Fear of rejection, fear of ruining a good working relationship and quasi-friendship, fear even, perhaps, of success? Fear that I would have to take the lead, and try and fail to please someone. Failure. Fear of failure. Fear that I wouldn't know how to please him, and that he'd then think less of me. But why do I care what he thinks of me?

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

I didn't kiss him. I didn't take the lead, I wasn't the aggressor, I did not initiate. I was afraid.

This is why I lose.