16 September 2004 - Thursday
Two nights ago, Matt called. Or I called him; I don't rightly recall. Given that we'd hardly spoken in six months, I think it more likely that he called me. He's in town, performing with Tanya, and he wants to see me while they're here. They're going to go see the LotR exhibit at the Museum of Science, and would I like to go with? of course i do, silly; i want to see it and i want to see you but i haven't seen you in SO LONG and i don't know if you still feel the same way about me that you used to - honestly, i'm scared. I answered yes, and we pencilled each other in for this afternoon, around 3 o'clock, at the museum.
Today, I dressed myself with him in mind; the jeans I wore the first time I ever met him at faire, a black ribbed v-neck T-shirt, my black Chinese-silk-like duster-thing, and black Chucks. Black satin underwear. My ears aren't pierced yet, so no earrings; I'm not a necklace or bracelet person, so the only jewelry is my three rings - Salem-pentacle, out-pointing claddagh, and NEFFA Celtic moon. School blurred by with the pace simultaneously of a snail and the wind. As 2:15 approached, my heart pounded in anticipation, my palms began to sweat, I had to breathe deeply to calm myself. The bell rang. I dashed to my locker, out the door, onto my bike. Spent ten minutes figuring out how, exactly, I was getting there. Biking, fast, down calm green Esplanade paths; stopping, once, to check the time on my cell-phone, and to take a breather. I was sweating, from the warmth of the day and the exercise (and also from anticipation and nerves), but there's nothing to be done about it. Hop back on the bike, continue on, pull up in front of the museum. Lock the bike, gaze uncertainly at the dark glass of the museum's outside. Thinking I'm early, I turn awkwardly and sit on the polished-granite benches and open my bag, to check the time on my cell-phone.
I look up sharply. In front of me, the door swinging shut behind him, is Matt. Beautiful, wonderful, missed Matt. I close my bag and dash towards him, into his arms. Hard embrace. maybe he does still remember our once-love Tanya's right behind him, so I hug her too. As we go back into the museum, they talk at me - the time, the time on our tickets into the exhibit, that we need to put our stuff into a locker, mundane things. I smile, nod, make appropriate responses. Matt gives me a cookie, then Tanya does. "What is this? You fattening me up to eat me or something?" I ask, amused. "They're special stock-broker cookies," they explain, given them by their stock-broker. I shake my head and eat them, giving part of one to Tanya and part to Matt. They get something to drink, asking if I want anything; negative. I'm fine. We sit by the windows, chatting. Tanya asks what I've been up to this year, and I'm taken aback. My mind is blank; Matt knows what I've been up to, mostly, from our conversations, but Tanya doesn't, and I have no idea what to say. Finally I make some comment about Scotland, and drama, and things like that, and it's all good. Matt gets up to get a refill, only to discover that the sticky back of the bench stuck to his sweater. I compliment Tanya's earrings (they're purple and very pretty), and we make small talk. she's really pretty...matt really does have good taste Back comes Matt, and the conversation resumes.
It's time to go to the exhibit, so we dump our trash and dance our merrily musical way up the chiming-stairs to Middle Earth, where we somewhat reverentially pass a Cave Troll and Gandalf's booming "You shall not pass!" We spend a good half hour just looking at costumes, art, each character's creation, together as a triad. I break off after awhile, and it is as I am watching a character-creation video, one of many, that Matt steps up behind me. Close, very close. There's maybe an eighth of an inch between his body and mine, and I move back ever so slightly so we're touching. oh love...to have you here with me is delightful, i can't even express it. i need you closer to me, break down barriers!
"Am I crowding you?" Low tone, quiet in my ear.
"No, of course not. You could never crowd me." Equally quiet, with a smile in my words.
I lean against him. He's warm and strong. We move away, together, to another part of the exhibit. In the line for the Frodo/Gandalf perspective wagon photo, Tanya finds us and joins us. We're silly ones, we three, and Matt promises to make me a copy of the resulting pictures. i feel guilty that you spent so much money on me this outing - money for museum admission, exhibit ticket, and now this.. Tanya's already been to see the Orcs and Nazgul, and wanders off to a completely different part of the exhibit, leaving Matt alone with me. We meander around together, his arm around my waist or on my back. Physical contact is nice, especially with him. On our way to the Nazgul-costume, he reminds me that I owe him a kiss. 'Tis true, I do, and I say as much, with a half-smile up at him. It's asking a question, and he answers in kind. He shines a flashlight into the Nazgul's hood, tsk-ing at me that I'm a tech director and I don't even have a flashlight on my belt! But it's all in fun, and we laugh as we move on. As we walk, he massages my shoulders a little - I smile gratefully back at him and try to convey with body language just how much I liked that. i have no idea if he understood or not...
Standing in the footprints telling us what kind of Middle Earth creature we are, by height - I'm either a very small Orc or a very tall Dwarf, but I'm well-dressed! and Matt is wizard-height (he smirks at me until the recorded voice compares him to Saruman, and then it's my turn to smirk at him), and we move on. Near the Ring cave, we stand watching a video on the creation of Gollum. I lean against his chest, encircled in his arms. I have no idea what the video is talking about, so focused am I on him and the bliss found in the warm circle formed by his body. interesting, that tanya still hasn't crossed our path. what does she think of us? what does she know? is she intentionally giving us time alone? why? i'm a little worried, but i suppose it'll be all right. Eventually we've seen all it has to show, and meander into the Ring cave. It's our second time through, and the exhibit closes very soon. There's nobody in there but we two. kiss me, love, please...we'll not get another chance this meeting, if ever there was a time and a place it's here
Lit by the roving Ring-gobo and the glow of the hanging-Ring-pillar, we embrace gently, and our lips meet. My heart is pounding and rejoicing and generally doing insane things of happiness...the world is perfect and focused entirely on the being kissing and being kissed by me. There are no choirs of angels singing, no burst of brilliance in my mind or heart, but it is wonderful - until the security guard breaks the moment by telling us the exhibit is closing, would we please leave? Sigh. I don't know whether I jerked back when I realized someone was there with us - I think I did, and that Matt probably wouldn't have stopped if I hadn't - but either way, we were shooed out of the dark, fiery cave. Our arms go around each other's waists, and we walk in step. All I can see is the floor in front of me and our two feet moving in unison. We have to leave, and to find Tanya, and so we do. I have to go, alas, and I say so. Sadness all around; we go back to where we left our things.
The lockers are blue, as are Matt's t-shirt and sweater, and Tanya comments on how well they bring out Matt's eyes. He, jokingly, asks if he should just flatten himself against the blue wall - and does so, to my and Tanya's amusement. Tanya excuses herself to use the cafeteria bathroom, and Matt and I sit down on a bench. His arm goes around me, I lean against him, we chat. I take his hand and trace its lines, the hard strength and agility in it, and Tanya returns. This time I know I'm the one to pull back, because I still have no idea whether Tanya knows the extent of my and Matt's affection is it love? is it really? still, after all this time apart? i'm inclined to say yes, but i don't know what he thinks. i'm inclined to think yes, though... for each other, and if she does, whether she approves. Somehow I think she doesn't, and I really have no wish to cause conflict between the two of them or between myself and the beautiful wife of my love. someday...someday could she love me as he does? i have the feeling i could love her as i love him, as he loves her...but only time will tell, and i have no desire to push things beyond reasonable boundaries.
We part, but only after they extract from me a promise to be at their concert on Sunday. Believe me, I'll be there. All the hounds of the Morrigan couldn't keep me away.
Later, much later, I am to write an entry in my deadjournal of the emotions evoked by the experience, addressed implicitly to Matt. Days later, I am to write a paper for a writing class on the total experience, on the beauty and fear and ultimate reassurance and love contained therein. But for now...for now I just exult in being.